Blurred Lines or Blended Lines?

I was scrolling through Instagram one night and came across a reel from another NICU mama that was essentially reminding current NICU mamas that they are their baby's moms, not their medical team and to let there be a clear line between the two. I watched the whole thing, dug a bit deeper into their story, and then spent time grappling with her message because though I understood the heart of the message to my core, I also struggled to agree completely.

As I mulled over this other mama's message I saw the good in her attempt. I too found myself during my baby's very long NICU stay struggling to feel like my daughter's mom and often felt more like one of the nurses. It was TOUGH on my mental state because I was mourning the loss of the traditional newborn stage. I wanted to have sleepless nights because my baby was right next to me, needing me. I wanted to be able to hold my baby any and every time she cried because that's what I am wired to do. I wanted to hold my baby's hand, play with her toes, and let others meet her without fear of hurting her or exposing her to germs. I wanted to dress her in cute outfits and wrap her up in soft blankets. Instead, I had to leave her in the hospital and sleep in an empty room each night. I had to ask to hold her and then we had to get a team of at least five people to help, and if they weren't available I wasn't allowed to. I had to be extra super careful of her skin, and tubes, and everything. I limited who came to see her and got to touch her and got an ear full about how it wasn't fair, adding to my already overwhelming guilt. All of this loss made feeling like my daughter's mama extremely difficult.

The lines got blurry really, really fast. In the shadow of the loss and guilt, it was easier to fall into the role of caretaker or nurse. It gave me something to focus on and made me feel like I was doing something good for my baby even though I already failed at doing the one thing my body was supposed to do. It felt like I was paying penance.

Because of those feelings I 100% understand where this other mama is coming from about you being your baby's mama, not their medical team. But as I began to realize the effect my loss, guilt, and anxiety were really taking on me (about three months into her stay), I began to talk to the NICU psychologist. It was in my talks with her I realized that I was hiding and punishing myself for something I had no control over. So I began to work hard to make space to just be my baby's mama, to blend the lines of caretaker and mama. It was hard, and on some days I was firmly one or the other, as it's not a perfect process, but learning to blend the lines allowed for healing and joy in our NICU room.

For me blended lines looked like being an active participant during rounds and when specialists came to talk with me about medical decisions, tests, or labs that needed to be done. It also looked like me not just staring at the monitors, but watching my daughter sleep, reading books, or singing to her. It looked like me reporting things I noticed about my daughter's disposition to the medical team, but also being the one who changed her diaper. It looked like researching both her medical conditions and activities I could do to help her development once she came home. It looked like participating when she got OT or PT, as well as simply holding her for as long as she would let me.

Your blended lines are going to be different for you, based on what you find most important for you and your baby. But I strongly encourage you to find a way to blend the lines between caretaker and mama. As much as you want to be able to completely shut down the caretaker side of your NICU experience and just have that traditional newborn phase, the reality is that you can't do that and still be your baby's best advocate. And as easy as it is to be convicted by your guilt and grief, not finding a way to bring the joy and healing that you and your baby deserve into your experience, you can't be your best mama self for your baby either.

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